i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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