so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
