i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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