Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
