Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
