Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
the day after is always just damage control
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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