She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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