explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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