Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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