So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
that's an acceptable place to lick
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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