hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My dick has a subreddit
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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