I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
