the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
