i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
