Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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