he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
