I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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