Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
