You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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