She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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