i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
