He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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