I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
