I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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