mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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