I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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