Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
