i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
