Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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