The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
