Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
