Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
