We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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