meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
