I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
