haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
