Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
