Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
