I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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