My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
