I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
