Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
