He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
