he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
