Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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