I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
