So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
