I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
