I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
