Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
