I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
