I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
