who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
home. puking in laundry basket.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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