Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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