I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
