someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
