I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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