I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Threesome in a minivan. New low
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
